Have you seen this person?

If you've ever been on a canoe trip you may recognize some of the people below.
Most of these descriptions were taken - ok stolen, from Richard Munn's Canadian Canoe Routes site which is an excellent resource for paddlers. If you see yourself in any of this you can:
a) Laugh
b) Blame Richard

Fly Dryin' Brian People who feel the need to get their tent and fly as dry as possible when packing up in the morning, even though there's no possibility it'll be completely dry before it's packed.
They walk around shaking and flapping the tent fly, trying to come up with creative ways of hanging the tent and fly, and desperately seeking out the small sunlit areas to sit their tent.
Guess what, people ... even if it's a bit wet, after you roll it up the entire tent's going to be soaking anyway. Let it dry in the afternoon when it's actually warm and sunny. For now, relax, sit down and have your morning coffee in peace.

Disappearing Dave - No where to be found when dishes need done, fish need cleaned etc.. Magically reappears seconds after chores are done.

Photography Pete - We all love pictures, but photography Pete brings SLR + backup, 30 lbs of lenses and accessories, and will be busy getting a picture of a yellow billed Canadian prairie chicken instead of paddling. And then his pictures are better than yours and you have to humble yourself and ask for copies.

Tired Tom - You've made breakfast and packed everything but the tent and his sleeping bag by the time he rolls out at 10am. See also Al Khaholic and Lonnie the Lolligagger.

Al Khaholic - Makes a habit of imbibing a little to much, and all your meals to/from the put in have to be at liquor serving establishments.

Smokestack Sammy - self explanatory

Madly in love Mark and Lauren - I won't elaborate.

Forgetful Fred - You're bringing the stove, right Fred? You end up cooking over campfires. You always bring the really important items when going with this person.

Lonnie the Lolligagger - My personal nemesis. You tell Lonnie to meet at your house at 10 to leave. You tell everyone else 10:30, and he's still the last one to roll in. Oh yeah, he needs to stop on the way and "get a couple things". You lap him on portages and end up carrying a load for him so he doesn't hold everyone else up. Vague injuries are common too, "I twisted my ankle back there".

Charlie Cheapskate - You get this, and we'll settle up later, right? Or, Well yeah you drove, gassed up and its your canoe, but I bought Tim Horton's on the way up! You think back to him grimacing when you got a large coffee instead of a medium.

"Experienced" Eric - 2 different types - Offers unwanted/unwarranted advice, and dumping/grounding are always your fault. "you should use a modified semi-J stroke and we would have cleared that hidden rock", OR "yeah I have paddled blah blah" . Runs you up against a rock in class 1, and then dumps you with a perfect upstream lean.

TOILET TED Got to go to the washroom when you look his way to help with any chore...
AKA ... Diarrhea Donny
Constipated Carl

Starvin Marvin - Checks the food barrel with increasing frequency as the trip progresses and becomes increasingly aware of (your!) portion size with each passing meal.
If the end of the trip and the end of the grub coincide too closely Marvin will be close to freaking out.

Boris Boolsheet - The guy who comes on the trip based solely on his professed years of backcountry experience and expertise. Only too late will you discover that his years of backcountry experience all took place 30 years ago in camp Sog-Ghee-Can-Vas, and that he is expert only in exaggeration.

Mal Lodgement - Mal tires quickly and wants to stop at the first place that he deems a "Good place to camp" - this could be a dank, swamp-like bog area with no dry ground, mosquito hell or the side of a steep, rocky hill. Mal wouldn't recognize a good campsite if one bit him in the arse, and the idea of paddling around the next bend or point to see if there is something better is anathema, Mal will go no further.

Talkative Tessie - Tessie has never heard a bird sing, the breeze in the treetops or a distant loon call. Mostly because Tessie has never stopped talking. Tessie can spend 45 minutes blathering on and on about some minutia in her life - a brake job on her car, her redecoration plans, her annoying coworkers (just imagine how they feel). The urge to whack Tessie in the head with your paddle is almost overwhelming.

Hopeful Hank - Mal-lodgment's opposite "lets just go a little further, their could be a better site ahead" he says as you pass a site with sandy beach, flowing well, just enough onshore breeze to keep bugs down, & firewood the previous tenants left. You end up spending the night in a bug filled swamp on the only piece of land six inches above the water table for miles.

Tipling Tim - has to stop at every Tim Hortons on the way to the put in, and after you take out, always looking for that last perfect cup of coffee. The only problem is, 30 mins later he has to pee again, and therefore demands another Tims. After he empties, of course he fills up again!

Battling Bob - everyone is packed up and ready to go, and he has to clean out and sort his wallet, empty his entire pack looking for a safety pin, etc. It is a battle to get him on the water at any time, when everyone else is ready!

Willie Watch-your-watch - the guy that insists that we be off the water by a specific time to make camp at an inferior site when one good rapid and three good sites are coming up in a km or so. Glances repeatedly at his watch while we play in rapids to ensure we stay on schedule. Closely related to Gottagetback Gus.

Gus Gottagetback - Says he can make the 3 day trip but then when he shows up he mentions about and hour into the trip that he has to be back early the last day forcing the rest of the trip to be rushed.

Phil Foodsucks - The guy that looks at the food you've prepared, packed and cooked for the large group and complains. Of course the same guy doesn't offer to carry anything other than his paddle, thermarest and sleeping bag on the portage, doesn't offer to help cook or do dishes.

Soggy Sam - The guy with the tent that leaks and inadequate rain gear. This wouldn't seem as bad if he hadn't shown up on the last trip with the same collection of cheap, crappy or poorly maintained gear. Usually found in camp holding a pair of charred socks (his only pair) over the fire on a stick.

And his obverse -

Ted Trustfund - Ted has the best of everything. Carbon fiber-kevlar canoe, graphite paddle, four-season tent that cost more than my car. And he doesn't mind telling you about it. In detail, and in comparison to your gear. Including (especially) the cost. Repeatedly

Raging Bonfire Bill - Spends a great deal of his time looking for huge logs to burn all at once, creates a blazing fire and then promptly falls asleep - leaving the rest of us to watch the fire until it dies down. Classy.
I am really not fond of "Too Cool for my PFD Phil" either since I am generally not in the mood to rescue a capsized moron...

Tip-it-in Tim - who has to launch boulders/logs/ rocks down the edge of whatever cliff you are sitting on, so that all the wildlife within a 40 km radius is silent or gone by the time the echoes die down............

Early-Morning Earl - who has to rattle around in the pots etc while it is still dark outside so he can have that morning java ready before its really morning.

Loud-Laugh Lenny - who is always in the next site across the lake, and who can't discuss any topic without braying his irritating laugh like a donkey so that everyone on the lake can hear.

Phantom-Paddle Phil - who's stroke rate matches yours, but as for water displaced, well...

Cagey Camper - who knows the duty roster off by heart. They can tell you who did what on which day - back five days and forward six. But the odd thing is - it's never their turn to do anything, its always somebody else's turn. This is the same individual who can tell you which portage, no matter how many days hence, that he carried the food pack, and than will proceed to tell you who's turn it is on any future portage for the rest of the trip. Normally the same person that carries the paddles on their trip across.
Oh and one more thing about this camper - it's always their turn to light the fire, not collect the wood, just light it.

The Jammers - My biggest peeve is with people who jam out. At least you don't have to go on trips with them! But this is especially annoying if it puts you below the safe number of boats for the trip, causing huge changes in plans at the last minute. And even more so if you've spent money on the original plan.

Allround Pia - This seems to be a combination of behaviours:
Always by far the slowest to pack their trashed gear. How can anyone possibly take so long to get packed? Spends hours loading great glass jars of unidentifiable home made concoctions that resemble specimens from a forensics lab, into numerous large plastic buckets, not all of which fit in their canoe. Pressures you to enjoy their grossly over-abundant "Fear Factor" food instead of the favourites you brought. The only person to break a paddle and who is the only person without a spare. They also have the slowest canoe. Spends an hour in a town on the way to the put-in looking for camp fuel and water. Yes, water! Their delays cause the party to travel in windy afternoon conditions. Demanding and tries to take over the trip agenda.

The rioters - Then there's packs of young teenage boys. Second by second getting into some sort of trouble, trashing the woods, killing creatures, getting things stuck in trees, continuous shouting, compulsive screwing around with fires. Not smart enough, for instance, to protect their belongings from the tide.

Coffee Cal - has to make his coffee as soon as he gets into camp. Makes only enough for him, and then of course has to drink and savour it real slooooooowwwwwwww, while camp is being set up and dinner is being made. Of course he never notices, even when told directly.

Buck Naked Ned - Alienates all other trippers on the route by being au natural as much as possible. Blissfully unaware of double entendres when asking other parties to join yours for a lunch. "Want some sausage and bagels?" He says while wearing nothing but a hat?

Raging Ronny - Totally out of control when they get mad; throwing packs and gear around on the portage and then later wondering "Gee this pot has a big dent in it. I wonder how that happened?"

Sour Puss Paul - If the slightest thing doesn't go their way...the rest of the trip is ruined...for everyone.

Fisherman Freddie - the one who does nothing around camp but has time to fish from dawn to dusk.

Lily Dipsy - is paddling-challenged. Will wait to start the first strokes until you are 200 m from shore. Three strokes are reason enough to stop again and adjust the hat strap. Another twenty strokes and it's time to put sun lotion on. And further into the day, there are endless other reasons to halt paddling: get a snack, look at this and look at that, change the glasses, put more clothing or take some off and so on. Can redeem herself if she sticks to paddling when wind in the face or similar adversity strikes.

Burn-it-all Bob? - This is the guy who loves a raging fire and towards the end of the evening throws on ALL the wood you scavenged so there is not so much as a stick left for the morning fire. Of course this means that someone (like me) has to head out into the bush first thing, through dew laden undergrowth to find enough wood to have a decent cup of coffee!

Where did it go Willie - the guy who can never find his mug or flashlight (that he just had in his hand) or his TP or his plate etc. And he can't find them cause he just leaves all his stuff lying around and then forgets where he left it or it is dark. Of course...he borrows yours and them loses it!

Bugged out Betty - freaks at any insects around and constantly whines about bites...like we all need to be reminded that we are getting eaten alive.

Floral Flora - Scared of the dark and / or bush. Leaves the perimeter of campsites littered with white 'flowers' and other undesirable offerings even when there is a perfectly good thunder box just down the trail.

Clean Carl - Has to shave and have a bath daily. Not a bad thing but rinsing all his soap off in the water immediately in front of camp is.

Whining Wilbert - "Aren't we there YET" ..."how much longer", " this canoe is too tippy and its too slow" "you keep leaving me behind". It is nice to learn to paddle BEFORE the trip, and to remember to put the paddle in the water every now and then.

Skitzo-suzie - every scratch turned into gangrene; every noise in the dark a bear with rabies. She boiled her water for half an hour to kill bacteria, but still had girardia cramps the entire trip. We were ready to leave her on a very small rock in a very big lake.

Day One Dan - who does his carefully calculated share of the chores in the first day and then waits and watches as others catch up.

Flatulent Fred - who gasses out the start of a portage with a massive release caused by a Harvest Foodworks curry dish. I mean, we're outside... how can anyone be that toxic?

Tipsy McSwagger - who can't manage more than an inch of water in the cook pot from tips and spills on the way back to the campsite from the shore.

Lord of the Manor Lyle - whose tent is so big you feel like a tenant farmer in yours. And he still manages to drape, prop and dump his equipment all over the site!

Regular Reg - the person who will absolutely definately not leave camp in the morning until he has hit the can whether it be thunderbox or other. Oh and likely using your TP . Estimated time of departure sometime shy of noon.

Vacationing Vickie - Hey she only has one week and its her vacation week and the group is getting up at five AM???? What???? And we are paddling at seven thirty?
Vickie can be aided by a little (no make that a LOT) of Tim Horton's brew...

T.P. Pete - The person who always miscalculates the amount of toilet paper they need for a trip and runs out three days before the put-out. Pete will blow his nose, light every fire and wipe up all spills using it. And with never a thought that he might need those soft squares for his dump clean-ups that the remainder of the trip will demand.
Then he'll amaze you by asking if your roll has a few squares to spare.

Missinabi Mike - who took a canoe trip 20 years ago that became the standard by which every subsequent trip is unfavourably compared to. Can be recognized by such phrases as "It's nice, but when I was on the Missinaibi...", and "This (rain/bugs/portage) is nothing. When I was on the Missinaibi..."

Starbucks Simon - who simply must have coffee from a recognized establishment, and mustn't be taken too far away from the put in, so that he can get back to civilization relatively quickly for his cappuchino habit. (But he may settle for Tim's in an emergency). Requires a driver since he doesn't know how to drive. Also may insist on having a meal at a local restaurant before paddling back to the site, ensuring that everyone who waited for him to come back before beginning to cook dinner has to start in the dark.

Dioxin Dan - can't wait to burn the garbage and constantly tosses all manner of trash in the fire. Doesn't matter what you might be doing; cooking, breast feeding or standing downwind.

Battering Ram Bart - You're in the stern and are approaching a rocky shore with just one small sandy landing area. Bart stopped paddling 200 m out so you have perfect control of the canoe, have accounted for the gentle waves and quiet breeze, have the perfect angle and the ideal speed so that your canoe will just kiss the shore with the sweetness of a child's embrace and then...
Bart decides to paddle like a maniac and you scramble to simultaneously slow down the canoe and change the direction of travel by 90 degrees... And still end up hitting a rock....
Which is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE STERN.

Stern Vern - always thinks he alone is propelling the canoe, and when the wind picks up chances are you will be urged to quicken your pace because your lily dipping, meanwhile your already feeling like your paddling through wet cement and comments on your paddle stroke just dampens your spirit.

Crazy Colin - isn't interested in the scenery, the wildlife or the relaxation. His goal to go as fast and as hard as possible. Bent over double, muscles straining he's a powerhouse. Sterning with Colin in bow forces you to work twice as hard to keep the canoe trim and on course as his powerful strokes push the canoe out of line. Colin isn't a total burden, he jogs the portages and returns to lighten your load.

Commentary Larry/Marry - He/she keeps a running dialogue of any and all events, observable landform, wildlife, weather and route related events in an endless monologue.
You are in chill-mode, the breeze is sweet, the weather is fine, the trip is going great and you just want to bask in the ambiance. Larry/Marry is in a groove too, and it kind of goes like: "Wow look at that rock! Now that's a rock! Did you see that rock! Let me tell you about rocks... There's a duck, there's a woodpecker, how come we haven't seen a moose and where are the bears? There ain't no bears here. Ever seen a bear? Think it will rain. Rained last night, did you hear it? I did, it was loud, can't believe you didn't hear it. Look at the sky, it ain't gonna rain anytime soon. Which way do we go here? We just keep going this way? What did you think of that last portage? Pretty muddy eh? What does the next one look like? Any campsites on this lake? This is a pretty lake! Any fish in this lake you think? No fish in here man! Loon over there though, he must be finding fish, over by that rock - see that rock? Now that's a rock! Etc. etc. etc....

Midlifecrisis Monty - who, at about age 50, purchases a complete canoeing outfit (top quality only) from scratch with plans of reliving his forefathers wilderness life and rediscovering his youth. Uses it once. Sells.

Beenalongtime Barry - who decides to retry camping after a 25 year (or any long time) hiatus with equipment he has had in storage for that length of time, not bothering to inspect before getting to the first campsite.

Charles Incharge - Charlie has never met a trip he couldn't, or in his mind shouldn't, be the boss of. It doesn't matter who organized the trip, or who his companions are, or how experienced others in the party may be, Charles naturally assumes that he will naturally assume the position of leader.
Charlies utterances are declarative statements "We'll camp here" or "Set up your tent over there". Charlie doesn't ask, he tells.
Although it is often easiest to simply ignore his declarations and not confront him directly either course of action will have the same end result - Charles Incharge will metamorphasize into Chuck Thissucks, reminding you that if you'd done it his way all would be right with the world.

Cabin Raiding Kenny - Must explore every cabin passed en route. If locked, he must find a creative method to gain entrance.

Miserly Mike or Stingy Steve - Plans to attend big trip, and knows well in advance the expenses that will be incurred. Nevertheless, he complains about shuttle prices and hotel rooms on the drive to and from the destination. Occasionally, he refuses to contribute to gas fill ups and meal tips. Takes months to recoup finances lent to this trip participant.

Anti-Portage Andy - Avoids portaging like the plague. Would rather spend three hours creatively lining a rapid than 30 minutes portaging it. Will spend three hours scouting a rapid trying to figure out a way to run it rather than line around it.

Kevin Cross Draw - A bow paddler, who even on flat sections of water is convinced he can steer the boat more efficently than the stern paddler. He unnecessarily overcorrects with a cross draw on every other stroke, slowing boat speed and annoying the stern paddler.

Wildlife Exper tWalter - Is a walking-talking Hinterlands Who's Who of flora and fauna. Insists on providing detailed explanation of origin, habitat and characteristics of every animal & plant seen on the trip, regardless of group interest. Points out little flaws in other's observations and makes sure to do it in a tone that makes them feel inferior.

Nancy New Canoe - Nancy is tripping for the first time with her new boat on a whitewater river in low water. Every time her boat hits, scrapes or side-swips a rock in the slightest way, Nancy screams obscenities at her bow paddler. At every portage Nancy notices a new scratch in the Royalex and is filled with rage. She is convinced that her bow paddler doesn't know how to paddle, and that all scratches are their fault.

Bugbait Bob - Bob is driven crazy by a constant vortex of blackflies or mosquitoes circling his head, even when no one else has so much as a single pest circling. If a single bug should start circling your head all you need do is approach Bob and then veer away - the bug will immediately join the teeming hordes encircling Bob.
Bob is frequently the fellow with the most pronounced allergic reaction top bug bites as well. Bob often resembles Elephant Man by trips end.

Missy Misfortune - Bad things happen to good people. Worse things happen to Missy. If a drybag leaks it will be hers. The one with her sleeping bag. Her down sleeping bag. Missy's tent is the one set up in the depression. It pours cats and dogs. If her tent is not set up in a depression the rainfly door becomes stuck and can't be closed, and her tent fills up with water.
Most of these misadventures are Missy's fault; her fault for not double bagging her sleeping bag, her fault for not setting her tent up in a better place, her fault for tying four tight granny knots around the rainfly door lashes. But, in the dark I guess anyone might have thought that bold nocturnal creature that sauntered into camp was a black cat with a white stripe.

Perry Noid - Perry is convinced that every bush along the portage trail is a bear. Every twig snap is an approaching grizzly. Every nocturnal noise will soon be followed by a gnashing of teeth and a ripping of flesh. Perry's flesh.
Perry is just begging to be messed with. I was on a trip with Perry once. We were sitting round the campfire, just me and him. Every chipmunk twitter or mouse scrabble in the twigs would cause him to jerk his head around and then look pleadingly across the fire at me.
Perry is just begging to be messed with...
Harry the Hoarder - 10 days into a trip hes the one knocking off the good snacks that were finished days ago but he miraculously has a new supply. Or Chiselling Charlie never around at buck up time for gas, food costs shared / inccured during the trip.

Wilma the Wet Blanket - Never short of snide comments and insinuated put-downs. Finds problems with a lot of suggestions, but offers no constructive alternative. Critical of leader if he/she turns out not to be omnipotent. Get's to know a lot of leaders and partners!!(no repeat 'business")

Terry No-Tent - notorious for leaving his tent poles behind, despite repeated remindings. Seems he doesn't like the hassle of having to unpack and dry his tent when he gets home, so he would rather share yours. Oh yeah - he snores!

Harry Halitosis - 5 days in the bush and you haven't seen him floss or brush once.his breath works better than deet...for him.

Eric Ecoli - it's too early in the season to swim so Eric never washes.He joyfully starts preparing breakfast just after a trip to the thunderbox and never notices the smell on his fingers when he gobbles down his muckmuffin.

Brushin' Bob - All of a sudden concerned about his dental hygiene, and whenever you are in camp, he is slurring his words through a toothbrush and foaming at the mouth.

Benny Buns - Insists on packing fresh made rolls on the trip, but the humidity threatens them. His solution? to lay the buns out on top of the packs whenever the sun shines, and then frantically stuff them into bags as you enter every rapid.

Charlie-change-his-mind - After what seems like hours of discussing what line you are going to take, and EVERYONE agreeing which way to run, you climb into the bow and pull out. as you head into the first part of the run, you notice you are way off your line. As you scream "what are you doing", he yells, " "I changed my mind, follow my lead!". However, he is in the stern! Says not another word, and then yells at you at the bottom of the rapid fo hitting every rock. Needless to say, he does this at EVERY rapid, and there is no reading his mind!

Short stroke Steve - Insists on being in stern. No matter how hard you try, your stokes are always to long for him. Seems he likes to dip his paddle in the water for .5 of a meter or less. You discuss it, what a demo by the trip leader (who is a Flatwater instructor), and he promises he has it. Unfortunately, the change is in cm, and you are stuck with the guy weaving you down the lake for another 100km, wishing for a quick death.